Shadows Taller Than Our Soul
by claudia1
Summary: There is a pain that he can only begin to release though the writing of one simple letter. Even that letter may not be enough. Warning: abortion, mpreg and incest are heavily featured in this story


**Disclaimer:** These Characters do not belong to me. The show and its Characters belong to someone else. The plot of the story is however, mine

**Notes: ** Thank you to my beta Mago186

**Warnings:** This story is about Dean writing a letter to the baby he aborted. It also contains heavy mentions of mpreg, slash and incest. If any of this bothers you don't read it.

* * *

_Baby_

_It's been five years since the day you were last with me. __Five years ago today, I put an end to a relationship between us that never had a chance to form. I ended your life. I stopped your small, fragile heart from beating another beat. I hunt supernatural creatures. I have killed so many things and I have so much blood on my hands. Your death is the only one I hold any guilt over. You were a part of me. I gave you life, but I also gave you death. Even after five years, I can't hear the word abortion without feeling cold inside. The space that you once filled in my heart remains untouched and unfulfilled. You will always be the part of my life I can never get back. You were the one thing I ran from._

_During those last moments of your life, I had so many questions. I wanted to know if you would feel any pain. I kept thinking of all the childhood milestones you would never achieve as you were suctioned from my womb. I used to worry that womb was the wrong word to describe what gave you life. A man isn't supposed to have a womb. It's not normal. It makes you less of a man. It makes me a freak in the eyes of other people. It doesn't matter if I belong to a small percentage of the male population with a womb. I'm not considered normal, but normal has never been my thing. Your whole creation wasn't normal. It was a strange gift…something unexpected. I wanted to ask the doctor if you were a boy or a girl. Instead, I kept silent. Silence has never been something I have been able to achieve, but laying on that table…it was different. All I could do was keep a watchful eye on the doctor and attempt to stop my hands from shaking._

_Lying on that table, I could hear the doctor talking on the phone to his wife, discussing dinner. For that doctor, an abortion was just another part of his day. For me, it was the moment I changed._

_I have seen monsters that have no right to exist but do. I hunt creatures that should remain hidden in myth and legend. I have witnessed friends and family die in the most painful ways imaginable. My abortion is the one thing that has left me with nightmares. I've had five years of nightmares. I'm emotionally stunted, something that people say is normal for me. Before ending your life, I knew how to laugh. I was happy. Now that happiness is always tinged with sadness. That day in the doctor's is always on constant replay in my mind. It's the one thing I will never allow myself to forget. _

_No matter how upset I was on that day, I knew that there were other options open to me. I could have gone though with the pregnancy and had you adopted, but I was fearful of my dad's reaction to the pregnancy. I knew he would accuse me of being irresponsible and neglecting my commitment to the hunt. I fooled myself into believing that he was right. At 21, I wasn't ready for a child. I knew that due to the supernatural world I hunted and lived in, I was mentally older than most people. I had seen things that aged me far too quickly. When it came to being your parent, I just wasn't ready. I couldn't be a mom. What I never realized, until it was too late, was I was already a mom. The moment I became aware of your existence I was your mom._

_The dreams of demons and spirits that helped me to sleep well were replaced with your cries and screams that always woke me from the deepest of slumbers. It gave me hours to lay alone in bed and think of the child you should be allowed to be. It is that moment when I wonder if my life has been worth it. Am I really worthy of life when I killed you so very easily?_

_I have nightmares that have followed me though the last five years. I see you being ripped out of me and being carelessly thrown to one side. The pain I felt when you were taken from my body has never been surpassed. It was just a few short minutes, but it's a pain that I have never been without. For a while, I have wanted to write you this letter, but I'm not meant to be so free with my emotions. _

_I have never forgiven myself for killing you. I know I'm going to hell but I want to know if you have forgiven me._

_I love you and I'm sorry._

He sat on the edge of the bathtub attempting to regain control of his emotions. Swallowing, he tried to hold back the tears. It hurt beyond all measure that Dean hadn't told him about the pregnancy. He had missed out on the chance to be a dad. The child he never had the chance to know about was dead, killed by his brother in an act of supreme selfishness. When the bathroom mirror cracked, he knew that his emotions were out of control. The sensible part of him knew that Dean had not killed their child in cold blood. It was a purely selfless act. It was something that obviously still haunted him, but none of that mattered.

Dean had killed their child. It wasn't something he could forgive or forget. He needed to talk to Dean. He needed to understand how his brother had been able to abort their child. Getting up from the edge of the bathtub, he walked to the bathroom door, opened it, and walked though.

Looking at Dean sleeping peacefully on the bed, he brutally quashed any feelings of guilt or regret. He needed to talk to Dean and those emotions were neither wanted nor needed.


End file.
